Getting Along: When Conflicts Arise in Social Media

by Nancy Marmolejo on February 24, 2009

in Online Branding & Visibility, Personal Development, Social Media Marketing, Video & Viral Marketing

Click HERE to listen to the Podcast version

This is a topic that has long been on my mind ever since I witnessed some ugly disagreements (quite public ugly disagreements) erupt on Twitter over the past months.

Forget the election, I’ve seen people duke it out over silly things, I’ve seen good people get stalked and targeted with negativity, and I’ve seen opportunities for deeper understanding turn into lines in the sand.

Sharlyn Lauby just published a great blog post on Mashable.com that goes over some do’s and don’ts of what to do when embroiled in a cyber stand-off of words.

I’ve summarized Sharlyn’s points and added a few of my own, plus steps to take if your disagreements turn REALLY ugly.

Like any potential conflict, it’s essential that you think before you retaliate. In such a public forum, you stand to lose more in the long run when your nasty Tweets are dug up years later and used against you.

Sharlyn Lauby advises the following:

1. Don’t take it personally.

When someone disagrees with your point of view, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you as a person. Detach from the personal aspect and try to focus on the ideas at play.

2. Process Before You Reply

Like your 1st grade teacher told you: count to 10 before you blurt out your answer. Nothing like a good case of sender’s remorse to shake you back into reality.

3. Look for Connections

It’s always good to take the high road and find what you agree on instead of focusing on what divides you.  Sharlyn Lauby says this is important to create balance.

To add to Sharlyn’s tips, I’d bring in the following:

4. Let Go

Conflicts arise when we want our way and can’t have it. Sometimes you need to just let go and move on. Ask yourself what this is bringing up in you: a need for everyone to like you? A need for approval? A need to be the smartest cookie in the box? Fear of something? Let go of those needs and sail back into your greatest self.

5. Call for Help if it Gets BAD

A while back a really disturbed person created a mock online profile for a well known social media strategist. It was mean and spiteful to say the least as he created Tweets that looked like they were coming from this person.

If this happens to you:

  • Block the person from your contacts and advise your friends to do the same.
  • Contact the site (this may or may not be super helpful but it’s worth a try) and let them know about any harassment.
  • Collect evidence in the way of screen shots
  • Don’t engage. It’s tempting to Tweet off a short “I know you are but what am I?” response or a plea for them to cease, but just leave it alone. Your engagement is what they want, so back off.

How do you handle public disagreements? Have you ever been in one? How did you handle it? I’d love your comments.

 
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  • Interestingly I've seen a number of conversations go off kilter recently in social networks.

    I'd add that where there is a community on a social network such as a Ning or LinkedIn Group of Facebook page, it's important to have a set of 'rules of engagement' and also have the host of the group or the community manager be vigilant and step in where appropriate.

    Many people don't realise but their response and engagement impacts their reputation, personal brand and even influence whether to recommend them or do business with them in the future.
  • Hi Nancy,

    I'm glad you posted this. This is a really important topic to have out there. The reality is (at least what I see) is the whole Internet is moving to a "social networking" format -- which means people want more interaction and to have a voice. This idea of top down selling or communicating is disappearing, instead people will be choosing to do business with people who they can interact with. While on many levels this is great because it's allowing us to bring our humanity to the Internet and business, there's a dark side as you so adeptly pointed out. Great job Nance!

    <abbr>Michele PWs last blog post..What’s YOUR favorite low-cost marketing technique?</abbr>
  • Kudos to you Nancy and to everyone else who's commented on this topic.

    While I haven't personally run into this online, I have in person while president of the local Lions Club and my advice if it ever happens to you is to stay in your power, be present, be gracious and "do what you do".

    If you made a mistake and that's the reason for the attacks, acknowledge it, make it right if you can and move on.

    If it's just plain meanness, be yourself and let karma do its job.

    With love and abundance,

    Sandy :-)
  • Tough one to write about, Nancy - good job. I wrote a chapter for Coach Deb & Warren Whitlock's book, The Twitter Handbook, all about managing the "trolls" on Twitter... I really need to put it up as a post too! My stalker continues to bug me from time to time despite the 21-steps I've taken. lol! ;)

    I really see all the huge social networks as a micro of the macro - there's oddballs, opportunists and plain inappropriate peeps all over the planet. Social sites give people a voice, but some don't know where to draw the line.

    The good thing is we are moving into a totally transparent world; there's nowhere to hide. Those who choose to air their grievances publicly online never know who's watching them and choosing not to do business with them because of certain behaviors. Shame.

    Btw, see also this recent article on Marketing Profs about the "Darkside of Twitter" oooooh!!
    http://www.marketingprofs.com/9/dark-side-of-tw...

    Cheers,
    @marismith
  • Awesome of you to share your input Mari and linking us to the Marketing Profs article.

    Like I've said since the get-go: if you wouldn't do, say, or wear it to an in-person networking event, don't do, say, or wear it on your social networking sites!
    :-)
    Nancy
  • The very 1st time I was embroiled in an online conflict was on a listserv where someone called into question my expertise. The thread went on for 4 days, mocking my expertise and credibility.

    Although I typed up a response and submitted it to the listserv, it didn't show up right away because as a new member, I had to wait until the moderator approved my message. The moderator was on vacation, so it took 4-days before it appeared.

    Finally, my response was approved and in it, I stuck to the facts. Although there were over 30 responses mocking my expertise, I didn't answer all 30 line by line. Instead, I did as you suggested and didn't take it personally. That helped me to post a non-snarky, non-angry response.

    As soon as I posted my reply, the thread died. There were a couple of responses and they were super nice. I guess it's hard to be snarky to the very person who replied in a super nice way.

    The big takeaway is to show up. I don't know anyone who loves confrontation, but it's important to show up, take ownership and acknowledge your mistakes. Call yourself a dork, douchbag, dumb-dumb, whatever.

    I agree that retaliating in a snarky or sarcastic way to a conflict only fans the flame. Someone has to be the bigger person and it's way easier to quell the fire if you respond in humble and kind way.

    <abbr>Leesa Barness last blog post..How Twitter is Like the Bible</abbr>
  • Leesa, I was thinking about you when I wrote this and am so glad you shared how you dealt with that ugly episode. As always you come out the winner by taking the high road. Isn't it interesting how NOT fueling the fire literally ended the thread!
  • Great Post!
    Too many people act like they are in grade school and play the "I Know You Are But What Am I" game. Sometimes what works is to write up a message of what you would like to say to them (good or bad) and then put it aside. Do something else for a few hours or minutes and when you go back to it you will realize that what you said was not good. You will end up revising it and finding a more tactful thing to say.

    The problem with email, texting, commenting etc is that you dont' see the persons face and can get the wrong impression from the comment. Have someone read over your replies especailly if it is a conflicting conversation.

    Serena Carcasole
    www.vbsondemand.com
    Your 1STOP Business Service shop
    Outsource your way to success!

    <abbr>Serena Carcasoles last blog post..Twitter Tips</abbr>
  • Good advice Serena! Take a chill break and think it over.
  • Another great post, Nancy. People often forget the permanence of everything done online. Always better to be the one taking the high road!
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